Consent

Oct 17, 2024

5 min read

What is consent?

Let's call it the most important thing.

I think consent has to be classed as the most important part of any happy and healthy sexual relationship. Even without sex, consent should be the most important part of any relationship, friendship, working environment. It should be taught in schools, practiced at home as you're raising kids, drum it into them from the earliest stage possible. I suppose it's the same as respect and manners, it should be a normal thing you learn as you grow up and for parents, peers to try and teach children.

At a very basic level, consent is knowing something is about to happen to you and you are happy about it, you haven't been forced, coerced, threatened and tricked. You haven't been drugged or drank so many alcohol that you've lost the ability to stand on your own. You can walk and talk with ease. You haven't been pressured, you have a choice and even if you are happy it's still okay to say "NO" without having to then justify why, it should just be absolutely fine and your word is respected and listened to.

I've been reading about the very brave French lady called Gisele Pelicot, a 72 year old with a 45 year old daughter. She has chosen to stand tall in court as she faces her husband and 50 of her alleged rapists. There are 80 in total but the remainder have yet to be identified. For over 10 years her loving (well, she believed he was loving) husband had been drugging her and inviting men over to their home to rape Gisele as she lay helpless, unconscious and drugged. He filmed every rape and documented it. In France the term for what has happened is called "chemical submission".

Gisele has waived her right to anonymity. This has allowed the trial and all the people involved to be named and rightly shamed. She has become a symbol of hope for other victims/survivors of sexual violence.

In a disturbing twist, their daughter and daughters-in-law were shown images of themselves that Dominique Pelicot, had taken of them, without permission, without their knowledge.

Dominique was caught by a security guard in a grocery store in 2020. He'd been attempting to upskirt a number of women in the store. If you are unsure what offence this is 'Upskirting' is an informal term for a type of voyeurism when someone uses equipment like a camera or mobile phone to take photos or videos underneath a person's clothes, without their permission. For example an offender sees their victim wearing a short skirt and will position their mobile phone behind the person, pointing up their skirt in order to photograph or film the victims underwear or in some cases bare skin. Anyway, he was spotted and this led to his arrest and the seizure of his devices, his mobile, his laptop, his computer, anything that could store data. The Police uncovered around 20,000 images and videos of men sexually assaulting an unconscious woman. That woman turned out to be his wife of 50 years. Words fail me.

He had folders named "Abuse" and "Around my daughter, naked", he'd also taken images of his daughters-in-law. No one knew what was happening to them because the choice was taken away from them, they were drugged, his victims did not give their consent to be photographed, sexually assaulted or raped.

He also raped other women. Words such as "I was a victim myself as a child" and "i'm a sex addict" have been spoken by the man. A man who claimed to love his wife deeply and never saw her as an object. How do these thoughts and ideas even manifest in someone's head? He abused her, he subjected her to multiple rapes by multiple men as he joined in, watched and recorded. He exposed her to sexually transmitted diseases.

I think the above example speaks for itself. What happened to Gisele is extreme and happened over a number of years.

This does not in any way make one instance any the less important. The more people that speak out and up and the more people that are held accountable for their actions, then offenders will start to get the message that no means no and that drunk, drugged, sleeping, scared and coerced partners, wives, husbands, one night stands, victims of rape will be listened to and supported and offenders will be prosecuted.

I watched a video in my Police training and i've seen it a few times since. It was written by a blogger who goes by the name of: rockstar dinosaur pirate princess (wordpress.com ) and you can find the blog at:

http://rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.wordpress.com

The blogger along with a production company produced a great 3 minute video about

Wanting a cup of tea which has been used as an analogy for sexual consent in a YouTube video released as part of a police awareness campaign.

Check it out, get people you know to watch it, spread the word, paste it to your social media.

#mynameislucy #policeofficer #sexualabuse #sexualassault #rape #rapecrisis #rapesupport #upskirting #voyerism #suicide #suicidesupport #suicideawareness #mentalhealthawareness #domesticabuse #domesticviolence #coercive #controlandcoercive #giselepelicot #stalking #sexualviolence #suicideawareness #coersion #bullying #manslaughter #SARC #forcedmarriage #honourbasedabuse #revengeporn #victimsupport #domesticabusesupport

Getting help

If you are in immediate danger or it's an emergency call 999.

You can make an appointment to see your doctor, they will be able to signpost you to help, it will also act as a record and if you are injured, the injuries can be documented with your consent.

'Injury capture' app - download from Google and App stores

An app that lets you record injuries sustained during domestic violence.

If you can't add the app to your phone because of safety reasons, ask a trusted friend to keep the app on their phone.

'Bright Sky' app

Looks like a weather app on your phone but once opened takes you to a supportive webpage that lets you document incidents, capture images, seek advice and get support in your area.

If you would like to report an offence then contact your local Police force.

They will be able to guide you through the process and go through your options, our first and main priority is your safety and wellbeing.

Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge

0808 200 0247

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Refuge - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

0808 200 0247

www.refuge.org.uk

Galop (for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people)

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline

0800 999 5428

www.galop.org.uk