I've been raped! - getting you help and support

Jan 24

6 min read

I'm a female police officer, a wife, a mum and a survivor of rape, soon to be 50 and not looking forward to that idea at all. Three ex partners raped me in totally different ways, these were relationships during my first few years of meeting lads, none of them had my consent to have sex with me in the following situations.

1) I was face down, tricked and had no idea I was about to lose my virginity;

2) He would have sex with me whilst I slept or when I was drunk and asleep, he was also abusive, violent and coercive; and

3) I had drugs forced down my neck as if he was worming a cat, then when I was out of it, he had sex with me, from flash backs I believe people came into the room and watched it. He was also violent, abusive and coercive.

Have I had a bad luck? I think i'm just a normal girl, I didn't like alcohol, I experimented with drugs when I was young, decided I didn't like being out of control so didn't take them again but the first handful of boyfriends clearly didn't understand consent or manners and each time I met someone new, they convinced me that they were the best thing since sliced bread. I think I was young, naïve and easily led and way too trusting.

I went to the emergency department after being drugged seeking help. I took a friend but they told me to go to the Police, so we both then had to walk to the Police station. I think it was around 1999, I've chosen not to dwell on dates. All I remember from the conversation with the female officer was how she looked at my clothing, it made me feel cheap, how she wanted to know what drugs i'd taken, it made me feel like I was in the wrong, how she asked "what are you going to do when you grow up?", now that just angered me and still does to this day. I didn't feel safe and the officer filled me with dread, she told me that if i'd been threatened then they could act. No, i've been drugged and raped, why wasn't the woman listening to me? I felt let down in that first meeting, so I chose to walk away without any support, without making a complaint (not that it would have been a complaint about being raped), I didn't get to see a doctor and I wasn't referred to a sexual assault referral centre and I didn't get the counselling I so desperately needed. I was totally let down. The consequence of that led me to have a mini breakdown a few years later ...... I met someone decent who asked me to marry him but I was broken.

The one thing I do now and I consider this to be the most important thing is listen and believe someone sitting in front of me. Anyone who picks up the phone or walks into a Police station off the street after being raped, sexually assaulted or who lives with domestic abuse, whether it's straight away or ten years later has made one of the hardest decisions of their life. They are asking for help and support after one of the most horrific things has happened to them. Someone broke their trust and assaulted them and they are coming to report it to me.

This here is why i'm a Police officer, it took me a long time emotionally to get here but I made it.

What are your choices?

Please speak to someone and get help. A trusted friend, family member, doctor, a crisis worker at a Sexual Assault Referral Centre or a Police officer.

There are a number of routes you can take and not all involve the Police. Even if you go to the Police first, you don't have to make a statement of complaint and Police can leave you in the care of a SARC which is a sexual assault referral centre. My main priority is to make sure you are safe, that you are seen by a doctor (male or female) and get medical care and that you have options to ongoing support, this would all be done with your consent.

You have been raped or sexually assaulted within the last few days. There is a potential forensic window in this instance and I would suggest that we attend a Sexual Assault referral Centre. You would speak to a Crisis Worker, doctor and if you are happy for the Police to attend, a specially trained sexual offence officer (me in this instance, but it would be someone from your local force). You will be asked if you are happy to have a forensic medical examination. The doctor and crisis worker will carry out this examination, the Police officer would not enter the room during this time.

The purpose of the examination is to make sure that you are okay and to treat wounds and injuries and get you medical care. The second, with your consent, is to take evidential samples from the areas that have been touched. The areas would also be photographed. These samples would then be used as part of an investigation but again, this is your choice and options will be discussed with you.

To preserve forensic evidence you should avoid showering or washing, eating or drinking. It is also helpful if the clothes you were wearing during or straight after the assault are not washed and placed somewhere safe. If the assault happened a few days ago then I would understand if you showered and ate, so please don't worry, samples can still be taken from you, don't let this stop you seeking help and support.

If you choose to make a formal complaint, the police will request that a phone / social media download is carried out on your phone, again this will be with your consent. Do not panic and do not let this be a reason you do not seek help. If you choose not to give the Police your phone, they will talk to you about the reasons why you do not want to give it and explain why it's necessary.

A suspect would also have their phone taken from them if they were arrested, as a result of a formal complaint from you.
The assault is historic. If you were assaulted a few weeks ago, a few months ago or even 25 years ago, your report will be treated in exactly the same way but without a forensic examination. You can self-refer to a Sexual Assault Referral Centre without Police ever knowing you have attended, contact Police station or visit your doctor who will advise you of the next steps.

The main thing to take from this is your safety, mental wellbeing and also sexual health. All of this can be discussed with the doctor or crisis worker at the SARC.

Getting help

If you are in immediate danger or it's an emergency call 999.

You can make an appointment to see your doctor, they will be able to signpost you to help, it will also act as a record and if you are injured, the injuries can be documented with your consent.

'Injury capture' app - download from Google and App stores

An app that lets you record injuries sustained during domestic violence.

If you can't add the app to your phone because of safety reasons, ask a trusted friend to keep the app on their phone.

'Bright Sky' app

Looks like a weather app on your phone but once opened takes you to a supportive webpage that lets you document incidents, capture images, seek advice and get support in your area.

If you would like to report an offence then contact your local Police force.

They will be able to guide you through the process and go through your options, our first and main priority is your safety and wellbeing.

Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge

0808 200 0247

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Refuge - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

0808 200 0247

www.refuge.org.uk

Galop (for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people)

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline

0800 999 5428

www.galop.org.uk