Perpetrator Excuses

Mar 16, 2025

4 min read

With all my pages, I write them and then post them, a few days later I read them and then alter them, re-write bits, add bits and still feel like it's not enough but hopefully it all makes sense.

I thought i'd write about perpetrator excuses and behaviour. Basically according to the person who makes your life unbearable at times, it's your fault! In reality this isn't the case we all know they are the problem. I suppose this topic should be linked to narcissists and gaslighting too.

Quick side note - Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.

Side note two - gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question themselves - giving the abusive partner even more power.

As far as I am concerned and what you need to understand is ....... Whatever excuse someone gives for abusing you, their actions were a decision THEY chose to make and THEY are responsible for their behaviour.

I put a diagram together below with examples of what a perpetrator might say to you, their aim is to re-direct the blame onto you, make you think that you are to blame, make you doubt yourself, belittle you, get you to a point where you're paranoid, actually believe what they are saying to you, maybe if you didn't nag so much he/she wouldn't have pushed you, maybe if you'd let them go out and get drunk the argument wouldn't have carried on throughout the night, maybe if you'd just given in and not tried to stick up for yourself, you wouldn't have been hit. They say "It's your fault i'm like this! ".

These are all things a perpetrator wants you to think, it's the ultimate way of controlling you through your emotions. It may be subtle at first, small verbal digs, but consistent, never giving you a rest, always in the background, little remarks like "you're not wearing that are you, the red one looks much better". Comments are aimed to put you down, to doubt yourself and lose confidence to speak up.

Diagram of Perpetrator excuses

Getting help

If you are in immediate danger or it's an emergency call 999.

You can make an appointment to see your doctor, they will be able to signpost you to help, it will also act as a record and if you are injured, the injuries can be documented with your consent.

'Injury capture' app - download from Google and App stores

An app that lets you record injuries sustained during domestic violence.

If you can't add the app to your phone because of safety reasons, ask a trusted friend to keep the app on their phone.

'Bright Sky' app

Looks like a weather app on your phone but once opened takes you to a supportive webpage that lets you document incidents, capture images, seek advice and get support in your area.

If you would like to report an offence then contact your local Police force.

They will be able to guide you through the process and go through your options, our first and main priority is your safety and wellbeing.

Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge

0808 200 0247

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Institute for Addressing Strangulation (ifas.org.uk )

www.ifas.org.uk

Refuge - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

0808 200 0247

www.refuge.org.uk

Galop (for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people)

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline