Suicidal thoughts - i'm having a blip

Oct 17, 2024

6 min read

I thought it was a good time to write about this because I feel like i've had a blip in my thought process over the past few weeks.

Over the past few months i've been going through a lot of personal stuff, I have no control over what's been going on and in some ways, this thought has kept me as sane as I can be. I had to make a complaint about someone at work, along with a few other people and the offender (i'll call him that because that's what he is) was interviewed and basically called us all liars. At the end of the day all I was looking for was a, 'look i'm sorry i've done wrong, I know i'm a dick head and I apologise' but now the offender has said it hasn't happened and that there is no way in hell any of it would have happened, well i'm ready for a fight and if he gets sacked as a result of this then that is down to him. As a Police officer we have certain rules we should live by and 'honesty and integrity' is one of those life rules.

I was also faced with someone trying to end their life, this is a first for me. It wasn't the usual concern for welfare job and I've attended numerous sudden deaths mainly old people who have lived a full life. I've also been to deaths where the person is younger than me and also deaths where the person has ended their life by taking their life, but they've been dead and you know they are dead because they've already been found by a member of their family, a friend or the ambulance service.

This person had sent a number of messages stating that they wouldn't be alive by Monday. They were blue when I found them, blue lips with a purple face but they were still alive. They'd used a wire to wrap it around their neck multiple times and then hung off the door. The shock of seeing someone in that position, the relief of them still breathing, the panic trying to get it cut away from their neck and the sense of sorrow that they had felt that this was the only way forward. I knew the feeling all too well.

In the year before I became a Police officer, I became consumed with something. I found myself staring at the traffic, waiting for a big enough lorry as I contemplated stepping out. I wasn't thinking about my family or friends, the person that would have to try and save my life (even if I was a total gonna they would still have to try), I just wanted to be rid of the thoughts going through my head and couldn't see a way out. I thought people would be better off without me, my mind told me it was all my fault, I hoped the people who had made me feel that way would take some responsibility (would they even give a sh1t?).

Someone came in and said "you looked depressed". That was the end of the conversation, they didn't ask if I needed help or support, if anything they looked annoyed with me.

I knew I was in a bad place but didn't really know what to do. I'd been to the doctors when I had a blip before my wedding, crying my eyes out, feeling totally overwhelmed and depressed about my past, I wrote a ridiculously long letter to get it all out of my head which helped but the doctor sent me to a group therapy session with a woman that didn't always show up because she had to get a boat. If the weather was bad, she wasn't there. I also hated the group sessions, pretending to join in and be happy and talkative in case she wrote something about you. I also knew people in the group and why would I want them knowing I was having a blip. It just wasn't for me.

I've always been into the gym and keeping fit, so I hit the gym with force. Sometimes I'd cry at the gym as I was working out, my head was really in a bad place. People would look but never say anything. I'd go out on the cliffs for runs until I started to fantasise about flying, I believed i'd just float and fly off over the sea, then I knew I had to stick to lower ground until the thoughts had passed. I had a place in my head that i'd jump from so avoided that too, it was a peaceful place with a beautiful view of the beach and the sea. The only noise was birds and lapping or crashing waves, on a warm day you could bask in the sun. I didn't trust myself up there and I didn't tell anyone about any of these thoughts for fear of being labelled 'depressed or suicidal'.

Over the years I realised that things make me feel like that, maybe I do live with suicidal thoughts. It's a scary thing to admit but I recognise the thoughts and instead of thinking about self harming I choose to run or I go to the gym, I make things, I put on loud music and sing. I grow stuff like flowers and plants. I go for walks, eat chocolate, I take photographs on my phone of things that make me smile. It can be a bumble bee buzzing on a flower or a sunset, some graffiti or a raindrop sitting on a leaf. I read books that make me laugh, I watch dogs and cats being crazy on social media. I've read cheesy quotes saying things like 'look for the small things', but I think it's true, I think we need to take small steps and look for things that make us smile. We will never be fixed or perfect but we don't need to be.

Each time I survive a blip I become stronger and grow, it doesn't mean I won't have more blips because I know I will but I know i'll get through it.

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