Think safety, safety, safety

Sep 20, 2024

5 min read

Updated: Mar 19, 2025

First things first, let's address your safety.

I want to address safety, it's so important that you keep yourself or anyone you know going through domestic or sexual abuse safe.

Abusive and/or controlling partners, friends, siblings, parents or relatives may use a number of techniques to control you, to make you feel bad for going about your daily routine, gain information about you to blackmail you, to scare and frighten you into doing things for them.

In the context of an abusive relationship and any relationship that controls your movements and freedom, if any of the following apply to you then you could be in danger:

The abuser monitors your phone, ipad, computer use
- examples of what someone could say "hey honey, who are you chatting to, emailing? Why do you have to speak to your dad everyday? I don't know why you bother with Simon, he hates me, every time you speak to him we fall out. Why didn't you reply to my message, I could see you were online, who were you talking to? Why were you looking up jobs online, you know i'm the breadwinner and will look after you, you don't need a job. Who was looking after the kids when you were online again?
If the abuser pays your phone bill, be aware of itemised phone bills tracking the calls you make.
The abuser demands to know your passwords or gives you a password for your devices just in case you forget it. They then have full access to your devices and will check your phone, computer etc.
You have software on your phone that lets the abuser track your movements eg
- iphone or android Family link
- Family tracker
- Family location sharing tool
- Find my kids - smartphone trackers/GPS watch tracker
- GPS tracker
- General chat app location tracker eg Snapchat shows your location unless turned off
- Apps that let you see your location
Software has been put on your phone that enables another user to view it remotely
There are cameras inside your home, monitoring your movements
- "he found out I wanted to end the relationship, I didn't realise it at the time but a few months later he went to the Police and had compiled a video montage of every time I lost my temper with the kids. What it didn't show was that the clips were from over a two year period and that he'd wound me up beforehand or that I needed the kids to get their homework done and to eat their dinner before he got home. I needed them to be in their rooms and quiet before he got home and expected it all to be perfect. It was so humiliating at the Police station, I had to sit and watch a 20 minute video of me losing it over and over and over again, it was horrible".
- Jealous partners may also monitor movements to check people are not visiting the address.
Camera doorbell detects movement and alerts the app user. They are able to watch live footage.
The abuser gets her family and friends to report back on your movements and who you talk to.
- "she knew that i'd been to the shop to buy a few beers and the paper on my day off, she actually went in there and asked the man behind the counter. She told me that the money was for our holiday and that I was selfish, that it wasn't mine to spend, she accused me of taking it out of our savings pot, she made me feel so bad for spending my own money. I work as hard as she does but that doesn't seem to matter, she wants all of my money now to be paid into her account so she can look after it and wants to give me money for our weekly food shop. She said if I love her, i'll do it"
Your passport and other important documents have been taken off you
You are not free to leave your home address, maybe you don't have a key and the address is locked with you inside every day.
You are driven to work, met at lunchtime and then picked up at the end of your working day even though you could walk, drive yourself, get the bus or cycle.
You are being stalked.
"I looked out of my work window and could see him in his car, watching me, looking at me through the window. I told him I was going to the gym after work, then he sent me a text saying my skirt was lovely, a bit short but lovely. WTF!"

The list above does not exhaust all scenarios but it's a good starting point and not all examples above mean that you are living with an abuser, there will always be the exception and the other person is just for example keeping an eye on their children's/your safety in relation to the location apps or taking you to work.

My point here is that if you think you might be monitored then you need to protect yourself and look after your own safety, don't do anything or look at anything that might put you at risk but DO try and seek help and get advice. You can contact a number of domestic abuse helplines, drop in centres or contact the Police. The Police will be happy to meet you at a location other than your home address, again, think of your safety.

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Getting help

If you are in immediate danger or it's an emergency call 999.

You can make an appointment to see your doctor, they will be able to signpost you to help, it will also act as a record and if you are injured, the injuries can be documented with your consent.

'Injury capture' app - download from Google and App stores

An app that lets you record injuries sustained during domestic violence.

If you can't add the app to your phone because of safety reasons, ask a trusted friend to keep the app on their phone.

'Bright Sky' app

Looks like a weather app on your phone but once opened takes you to a supportive webpage that lets you document incidents, capture images, seek advice and get support in your area.

Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge

0808 200 0247

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Refuge - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

0808 200 0247

www.refuge.org.uk

Galop (for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people)

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline

0800 999 5428

www.galop.org.uk

Live Fear Free helpline (Wales)

0808 80 10 800